I'm Just In It For the Punts

Only yours truly, Greazy Tony, could watch nearly a whole Pre Season NFL game... just for the Punts. But, that's what I did last night. As soon as the Skins pulled their starters (who looked pretty damn good by the way) I clicked over to the Eagles-Jets game to watch two Aussie Punters ply their trade. Ok, maybe not THEIR trade, cause their trade involves wearing no pads and beating the shit out of one another while kicking a ball through goal posts. But, their new trade.

Ben Graham seams to have gotten this Grid Iron thing down. He had 7 Punts for 319 Yards (45.6) with 4 landing inside the 20. Sav Rocca had a bad night on the stat sheet as he had 3 punts for only 115 yards (38.3) but two went inside the 20. Infact the broadcasters were lauding his hang time. Sav did struggle in the holding game, failing to turn the laces out on one FG attempt, which cause David Akers to shank the kick, and one would imagine to say "Laces out Sav!"

I reassert my hope that the Eagles cut Sav so the Skins can sign him and cut David Frost, who I hate. Frost had 6 punts for 287 yards (47.8) which seams good but he also had 2 touchbacks vs only one punt inside 20.

Pack up the Truck...Pack it up!

Well it looks like my Home town team is all but cooked. The York Revolution not only got swept by the hated Lancaster Barnstormers, meaning that our Mayor has to pay up on some crazy bet, but we are also dropping in the overall standings. The Atlantic League employs a two half system which means; if a team sucks balls in the first half (as York did) they get a chance to chase a playoff bid in the second half. The Rev's got off to a hot start in the second half and were in first place until just a few days ago. Now they are 3.5 games back of Somerset, having lost 7 of their last 10 while the Patriots have won 8 of 10.

The team has cooled, but oddly enough the interest from fans seems to have heated up. In the beginning it was common place to only see two thousand people at a game, but now even Monday and Tuesday night games are around 5k. That may have been due to the winning, or it may have something to do with the fact that the stadium was getting closer to being done. Sadly, Friday night's game may see a drop off, since York High is playing a football game that night about 1000 feet away from the outfield fence. This being York County Pennsylvania, the Friday night football is certain to draw better then the professional Baseball.

Separated At Birth?

I'm just sayin'... Jason Campbell and the Soul Glow guy from "Coming to America" look an aweful lot alike. I'm sure that there are 9 million Auburn fans who have pointed this out already, but damn!

Eriq La Salle, Dr. Benton from ER...

Jason Campbell, Starting QB for the Washington Redskins....La Salle was born in 1962 so he was nearly 20 when Campbell was born in 1981. I think we need to call Maury. "When It comes to 25 year old Jason.... Eriq. You ARE the Father! "Maury, that QB don't look nothing like me."

The Yankees Are Going to Win It All: Part II

Two weeks ago I pointed out that the Yankers were destined to win the Series this year cause Scooter went tits up. Now, I'm sure that the Bombers are bound to win it all. We might as well just call the season off now and give them the trophy. What makes me so sure? They are setting the Moose loose, that's what.

In 2000 the Yankees won a subway series over the Mets and went out and loaded up with some more talent, making it look as if they were just going to keep on winning. The signed Mike Mussina away from my O's. The same Mussina who at that point owned one of the best winning percentages of all time (65%) and was just a pop up away from posting one of the greatest post season pitching performances in '97.

I was sick to my stomach that I would have to see Moose in Pinstripes. I had known since I worked for the O's cable station that he was a real asshole, but he was my asshole so I rooted for him. I was sure he would go to the Yanks and win 20 each year, get to 300 wins and most of all hoist the WS trophy. None of those things happened, call it the curse of the Moose. The Red Sox got rid of Babe Ruth and they were cursed, well the Yankees acquired Mike Mussina and they haven't won anything with him in their rotation.

Only, now it looks like he won't be in their rotation any more. Something about 0-3, 17.69 (19 ER in 9 2/3 IP) over his last three starts has scared Joe Torre a bit. Maybe he knows what I know, that the last time the Yankees had a pitching staff without Mussina on it they won 4 titles in 5 years.

So there it is; now that they are dumping Moose, and of coarse since Scooter died, they are going to win it all for sure. The worst part about it, is that I have a feeling that we'll see Mussina back in Orange and Black next year. He has one year left on his deal, but there's now way they let him back on the bump with numbers like those. So i foresee him shuffling on down to Baltimore.

There is no doubt that Mussina was a better pitcher for the O's then he has been for the Yankees. One look at the stats shows a higher winning percentage, lower ERA with the Birds even though he has stuck out more, and walked less with the Yankees. I guess that line up full of big bats hasn't helped him after all, huh.

Mussina The Oriole

• Record: 147-81 (65%)
• Starts - 324 (won 45.4% of Starts)
• IP: 2009 2/3
• ER: 789
• ERA 3.53
• K/KP9: 1535/6.87
• BB/BBP9: 467/2.09

Mussina The Yankee

• Record: 100-63 (61%)
• Starts - 210 (won 47.6% of Starts)
• IP: 1324 1/3
• ER: 583
• ERA: 3.96
• K/KP9: 1113/7.56
• BB/BBP9: 281/1.91

I&TSG Staff Do Well in FFL Drafts

What kind of sports bloggers would we be if we couldn't back it up when it counts? Well, that's just what Inky, XL and I did over the past week in our respective Fantasy Football drafts. XL and I are in the same league, and in fact the same division so we play each other twice each year. Inky is playing with one of her friends, and will have a clash with her in week 6. Here's a look at who will be taking the Field of battle for us this year.

The Acountabiliabuddies. Owner: Angry Inky (0-0)

• J. Cutler QB
  
• B. Favre QB


• L. Tomlinson RB


• D. McAllister RB


• T. Bell RB


• A. Peterson RB


• M. Harrison WR


• Chad Johnson WR


• L. Evans WR


• T. Williamson WR


• D. Bennett WR


• Calvin Johnson WR


• J. Shockey TE


• R. McMichael TE


• J. Elam K


• Pitt Def
  

Not bad for a first time owner. With LT, Marvin Ocho Cinco and Lee Evans she should have a huge amount of points from week to week. If the others even have average years she should be in the hunt for the trophy.

The Delmarva Chicken Heads. Owner: XL Johnson (36-25 ) (3-4 VS Greazy)

• P. Manning QB


• M Schuab QB


• Larry Johnson RB


• DeAngelo Williams RB


• J. Lewis RB


• F. Taylor RB


• M. Bennett RB


• T. Owens WR


• T. Houshmandzadeh WR


• B. Berrian WR


• M. Furrey WR


• J. Schokey TE


• R. Gould K


• Carolina Def

XL is always in the playoff hunt, and with this team it should be no different this year. If Peyton LJ and TO go in early games he will have most teams covered before the start of the 4 o'clock game.

The Home Depot Presents Your Mom. Owner: Greazy Tony (33-29 ) (4-3 VS XL)

• D. Brees QB


• C. Pennington QB


• S. Alexander RB


• M. Lynch RB


• A. Green RB


• M. Turner RB


• W. Jackson WR


• D. Branch WR


• L. Coles WR


• A. Gonzalez WR


• T. Gonzalez TE


• S. Janikowski K


• Pitt DEF

My team may lack all the flashy names that Inky and XL have, but it's loaded with #1 WR's and starting RB's. I took Michael Turner from the Chargers because we are a three keeper league, and I think he's going to blow up with someone else next year. Plus, if LT gets hurt I should have a stud on my hands.

My Aussie Interests Take a Hit

The winning had to stop some time, and I guess it's better that the Geelong Cats lose now rather than falling into a funk in September. The Cats had won 15 straight to this point, but fell 16.10 (106) to 15.11 (101) to the Port Adelaide Power, who sit second on the ladder. It was a thrilling game, with Gary Ablett putting the Cats up 101 to 100 with two minutes to go. But the Power came back and stole the game when Dom Cassisi kicked a goal with less than 10 seconds left in the game. Geelong could see Port again during the finals, in which both teams will have the double chance, meaning that a loss in the first round will not eliminate them.

One of the other Aussies I follow will not be so lucky in the playoffs, as Lauren Jackson and the Seattle Storm fell 95-89 to the Phoenix Mercury. Jackson, who may very well win the WNBA MVP posted 22 points and 14 boards despite being in foul trouble for much of the game. All is not lost for the Aussie cause, however, as Jackson's fellow Australian National Team member Penny Taylor moves on with Phoenix. Taylor put up 18 points (including 3-3 from distance) and added 5 assists and 5 rebounds. Jackson is far and away the best player in the world, and may be at just the stage in her career to help guide her country to Gold in the Olympics.

I Can't Wait For Futbol Season...Honest

My Alma Mater is once again coming to life, with the arrival of the new Freshman today. The start of the school year also signals the start of the NCAA season, which if you went to a non-football school can be a bit tough till Basketball starts. That is the experience that XL, Inky and I had, and I'm not really one to complain too much about it. If our school added a football team we'd probably lose a few other sports in the budget crunch, so all's well that ends well I suppose.

I am still stuck with a void in my college sports schedule, till November when the mighty Spartans take to the hardwood. That is until the last few years, when I have joined a growing throng of students and alumni who spend their fall rooting for the soccer team. Last year the York College Men's team went 21-0-3, and bowed out of the NCAA tourney on PK's which in fact is the worst way to lose anything. XL and I were there watching with a few of our other friends, and I can safely say it was the first time any of them had ever seen a York College soccer game. Including the time we spent on campus as students. I had been watching as the season wore on, but only because I was already on campus.

This year's version of the ball kickin' Spartans features all of the most important parts of last year's unbeaten squad plus two D-1 transfers. Every chamber is loaded and they begin the season ranked #2 in the nation, with the #1 team just up the road at Messiah College. In last year's game York and Messiah tied at 1 all. So mark October 9th on your calender, it should be a good indicator of just how good the Sparts can be.

Is There a Draft In Here?

I will be hosting the boys here at HQ on Saturday for our annual Fantasy Football draft. This is nothing new for our little group of 12 friends and acquaintances, since we've been at it for 8 years now, but it's come to my attention that all manner of people are in leagues now.

When XL and the rest of the boys show up on Saturday for our day-long celebration of football, wings and poker we will have to realize that we are no longer alone. Not only is Inky the odds on favorite to win her league this year (LT, Chad Johnson, Marvin Harrison just to name a few) but there is at least one old lady in Charm City who will be in position to put a hurting on her elderly friends. She saw me reading my Athalon FFL mag and came over to me to ask if I was a Fantasy player.

When I told her that I had been at it for close to a decade she pulled out a yellow leagal pad and started asking me all sorts of questions. Should she take Willis McGahee with the 4th pick, who's going to carry the load for the G-men with Tiki gone, how soon is too soon to take a K and a DEF. I dropped some science on Nana and cautioned her against taking a player from her own team too early (I told her to look at Frank Gore or Stephen Jackson if LT and LJ are the first two picked, as they should be) and to stock up on RB's and worry about kickers in the late rounds.

Old ladies digging football is nothing new, Hell my Great Aunt Bootsie was as big a Skins fan as they come. But, I wasn't expecting a world where grannies are trash talking on their league's home page. Not that I have a problem with it, mind you. The more the merrier. I just wish I had asked her what her team name was.

30 Runs Later and I'm Still Watching......

This is about as hot off the press as you can get, the O's drop game one to the Rangers 30-3. No that's not a typo the score was really 30-3 Rangers win. Daniel Cabrera managed to go into the 6th inning and only give up 6 runs. At that time the score was only 6-3 and the O's were still in the game however the bullpen arrived and a melt down of historic proportion ensued. The box score tomorrow will take longer to read than the article about the game. Anyone fortunate enough to have any Texas Rangers on their fantasy roster should cash in because everyone in the first game had more than one hit and probably more than one RBI and run scored. Hell, the pitcher could've probably hit and reached base and scored. You've gotta wonder what happens to allow this type of melt down to happen especially on a day where the O's finally let Dave Trembley know he is the permanent replacement. I wonder if he will enjoy the shortest tenure in Orioles history?? Well it's on with game 2 I guess it can't be any worse......come on NFL week 1.

Who's Turning Me On Now

Eli Manning. Who knew that under that little-boy smile and awww-shucks exterior beat the heart of a bad-ass? When Tiki Barber publicly gave you the business, you turned around and smacked that bitch right back down. I am very impressed.

I always thought of you as the smaller-headed, slightly cuter brother of Peyton, but welcome to the big time, kid. And, welcome to my fantasy files. It might be a little crowded, but I'm sure you and the rest of the guys will get along just fine.

GUILTY!!!!!!

Well the verdict is in so to speak and Michael Vick is of course guilty as charged. Unlike O.J. who was smart enough to realize that no jury will convict a popular athlete Vick accepted a plea bargain today which will likely include at least a year in prison but could include up to 18 months. One can only hope that he gets the max sentence for being as stupid as he is. All that said the question still remains about his NFL future. He will most likely be suspended after his prison term is served for at least a year but one can only hope he gets a Pete Rose esque life time ban for the gambling aspect. That would only be fair and would keep any team desperate enough from taking a chance on him two years down the road. Of course we can always pretend what it would've been like had Vick had a jury trial. I for one would've liked to have seen the jury selected as depicted in the cartoon for this posting. Now that would've been justice!!!

Greazy Tony: Sideline Reporter

Ten years ago at this very time I was in Boston interning for the Red Sox. I walked unencumbered throughout Fenway with my press pass and I even got to sign my name on the inside of the Green Monster. How did a kid from a tiny liberal arts school in PA get such a great internship you ask. By being a great fucking photographer, editor, and all around hot shot. Oh yeah, and my father's best friend is pretty much the smartest guy in the TV biz, that helped too.

So now, 10 years later I found myself headed to Boston again, this time for my new, sell out style career. I called my faux Uncle to see if we could get together for dinner while I was in town and I got a surprise. "Aun-Th-Knee, would you like to spend Friday night on the side lines at Gillette for the Pat's game?" He asked in his quintessential Boston accent. "Uhhhhhh.... fuck yeah!" I replied in my perfect non-regional diction. (I've been practicing while Inky and XL are busy laughing and grab-assing.)
And so it came to pass that I followed a single star to Foxboro so I could bring a gift to the Christ Child. Oh, wait. wrong story. I went and ate food in the press box, walked around the Field and stood close enough to Tom Brady to tell what religion he is (my my they wear such tight pants, Looks like I'll have to take Inky back for the Skins game in October!) I had a great time but it makes me sad that I got out of the broadcast biz when I did. The problem was that after a while, being at the stadiums for games became just like being at the office. Now when I get to do this it is really special and awesome!

Bend it Like You're a Douchebag

Recently, I had a work tiff with someone who swore up and down that they didn't care about what I was doing, but they sure were upset about it. I liken this trivial incident in my life to the recent stories surrounding David Beckham, and his trip to the US.

Scads of sports media types swore up and down that they gave not a shit about Becks. But every show, every paper and every magazine was devoting time to this "non-story." It was all the same crap. Overrated. . .sham. . .Pele. . .waste of money. . .did you see his wife's tits? If you talk about something that much, you have to care at least a little. Much like my co-worker, me thinks thee doth protest too much.

And now, just as I suspected, when David Beckham finally started a game, and scored, and looked hot doing it, all of the sport media who spent the last few weeks bagging on him are scrambling to get those pedals into reverse. Sure, there are those that say it matters not what Beckham does. But, I suspect that there will be more than a little damage control going on around the country today, as reporters scramble to eat their words.

While no one can argue that his wife is a waste of space with bolted-on tits, and his voice is more Harry Potter than James Bond, I like David Beckham. And, whatever you may think of soccer, just make sure you save a little room on your show or in your column for the next time he does something great. Wouldn't want to have to get a running start to jump on that bandwagon, now would you?

What, It wasn't Carl Evertt?

One of the Long Island Ducks went crazy the other night, and I am amazed that it wasn't Carl Everett. I guess he's still too busy trying to prove that the moon landing was a fake and Dinosaurs never existed. By the way Carl, where in the bible does it say that you get to be a huge dick? Anyway, In a game against The Bridgeport Bluefish, former Major Leaguer Jose Offerman hit a homer in the first inning. He came up again in the second and Bluefish pitcher Matt Beech got ahead of him 0-1 and then drilled him in the calf with a slider.

Offerman, who has undoubtedly been hit by faster pitching before, snapped and charged the mound with his bat in his hand. Bluefish catcher John Nathans tried to help his battery mate and got a bat across the back of his head for his effort. Beech has a broken finger, and my never have the will to hit a batter again in his life, which is sad because it is part of the game. To be fair, an intentional plunk normally is in the back, so this may have just been an accident. Either way Offerman, who was hitting .335-8-47 at the time, will never play in the Atlantic League again. So it's safe to say his baseball career may be over. Oh, yeah, and there's that pesky arrest to think about too. He was taken into custody in the clubhouse and faces assault charges.

**

PS 8/16: According to this story, Jose says he didn't hit anyone and that the whole thing was made up. Wow, I guess he's getting his cover story from Carl Evertt after all.

That's a Punta, not a Punter

Ravens fourth Teamer, Antwan Barnes is trying to make the team, and in an effort to show what a big tough man he is he unleashed a cheep shot on the Eagles punter. (See the Video Here)What Antwan doesn't know is that the best way to impress the Ravens defense is to have your boys kill two people and then roll over on them. It is the job of every special teams player to block any player (the punter included) after the ball has been kicked. But, leading with your helmet is what you do when you are a dick, or trying to hard to make the team. Let's give Twan the benefit of the doubt and say he's trying to make the team.

In this case however, the punter was not defenseless. If you watch the video, you notice that Saverio Rocca pops right up after the hit. And he could do this is because he's been hit way harder, by guys who are way bigger before, and when those hits happened he didn't have pads or a helmet on. Sav Rocca is a Footy player, and at 6-5, 265 pounds he's the one who looks like a Linebacker. Barnes is 6-1, 240 and would stand little chance of landing a hit like that, if it wasn't from the blind side. To put it in American terms, that's not a hit... That's a hit! Take a look at some of those Footy hits and you'll realize that NFL football is not the only vicious hitting game around.

Oh Pacman, Say it ain't so....

Well it was only a matter of time before Pacman Jones sunk to the bottom of the sports or should I say entertainment world. As has been widely reported Pacman Jones made his TNA debut last Sunday on the Hard Justice pay per view. Now before we could get to this event the Tennessee Titans got an injunction saying that Pacman could not physically participate in this event as was originally planned. Of course wrestling being what it is was not deterred and Pacman made his appearance and was dubbed the "most controversial athlete in professional sports today." He of course came out all in black looking like a fool claiming to be the greatest team player in sports history foaming at the mouth like wrestlers tend to do. Of course he was interrupted by Ron "the truth" Killings another former no name NFL guy who has taken up wrestling.

Truth talked smack back to Pacman saying he didn't know what he was getting into and wrestling is not a "team sport" so he'd better watch his back. This went on I'm sure for too long before the truth tried to attack Pacman but was held back by the "police". Later on back stage in the show the cameras found Pacman "unconcious" in the back room allegedly attacked and left battered. How this saga will end remains to be seen being as Pacman in not allowed to participate in any type of contact. Of course we can only hope that if Michael Vick gets out of jail time that he will find his way to the world of pro wrestling as well. I'm sure the Junk Yard Dog would have a bone to pick with him.......

Great! Now the Yanks are going to win it all.

RIP Scooter. Phil Rizzuto passed away today at the age of 89. I hate the Yankees, but this guy was all class, and a hell of a ballplayer. He won the 1950 MVP by scoring 125 runs and banging out 200 hits, good for a .324 average. There are only like 8 people alive who actually saw Scooter play, however, but there are millions who know him as a broadcaster. His "Holy Cow" call made him famous enough to get a sub-story on a Seinfeld episode.

Sadly, Rizzuto's passing means that even if the Red Sox hold on to the AL East, the Yanks will win the Wild Card and then go on to win the World Series. When a Yankee dego gets sick or dies the pinstripers win. In '96 Joe Torre's brother, Frank, had a heart transplant and boom! The Yanks win for the first time since '78. And then there was '99 when Joe D died and they won the second of their three-peat. Damn!

Happy Madden Day Everyone

Sure, I'm a 31 year old man, who's been married for 8 years as of today. But, I still love video games. And there's no bigger game than Madden, which makes the day madden comes out the biggest day in Gaming. I'm long past the days of waiting on line on Monday night to get the game at midnight, but I am still as excited to get it as I was when I was 15.

Maryland over PA: Greazy was torn

Since I was born in Maryland, raised in New Jersey and lived in Maryland and Pennsylvania as an adult, my allegiances are split. I root for the Orioles and Redskins, since I was a DC area Marylander. My college didn't have a football team, so I've always had a soft spot for Rutgers, and I also keep my eyes on UMD, but most often I watch PSU. I don't particularly like the NBA, so my basketball jones is fuflilled by the Terps at the DI level, but the team I follow closest is my very own York College Spartans. When it comes to Hockey, when I watch it's the Flyers because that's who Inky watches.

So last night I was torn between two of my states in a clash of epic importance. A trip to the World Series was on the line, and I didn't know who to pull for. No, it wasn't The Phillies and the Nats, or The O's and Yankers. It was West Salisbury MD vs Richboro PA. The Shore Boys won 4-0, and now get a chance to go to Williamsport to play for the world title. In the end I'm very happy for the boys from my original home state, but of course, I feel for the kids from my new home state. Maybe this will help:

Two, Four, Six, Eight. Who do we appreciate? Richboro, Richboro, Yay Richboro.

President Ripken??

As I was perusing my sports page today I was somewhat shocked to see Cal Ripken being introduced as the "Special Sports Envoy" to the State Department. We all know about Cal's commitment to kids when it comes to youth baseball. His complex in Aberdeen is impressive even if it is costing the town he used to call home more money than they can manage. I expected Cal to stay involved in baseball, maybe even re-enter the Majors as a manager or possibly an owner in years to come. Never did I expect him to become this involved with government.

If ever the government of this country needed a clean image guy it is now. You can only wonder if this will do Ripken more harm than good. I hope he doesn't get sucked into this life style and decide he needs to "make a difference" in the world of politics. No doubt he'd be elected in a land slide to whatever he ran for in Maryland and who knows, he has the reputation and the love of a lot of Americans he could conceivably make a White House run at some point and come damn close. As a fan and admirer I'd hope Ripken will not get any deeper into this world and realize he can do more for kids and the country in general by keeping his good name and continuing on the path he has set for himself.

A Good Sports Weekend

In a weekend that was mainly devoted to music for Inky and I, a few cool things happened in sports:

The Geelong Cats won their 14th straight game to clinch the top spot in the AFL finals. With just 3 games left to play the Cats stand 4 games clear of Hawthorn, Port Adelaide, West Coast, and the Kangaroos who are all on 48 points. Geelong also far and away the best percentage team in the AFL, scoring 2178 points while allowing 1364 (160%) these numbers give them both the most points scored and the least allowed in the league. By being one of the two top teams, Geelong secures a double chance in the finals which means they can lose in the first round and still fight their way to a Major Premiership.

One time Pirates OF Tike Redman had fallen on some hard times. This year he opened up playing CF for the York Revolution of the independent Atlantic League. He didn't last in the AL for long, he got signed by the O's shipped to the IL and now he's in the AL. That is: He got signed by the Orioles, assigned to AAA Norfolk in the International League and now he's with the the O's in the American League. Redman is 2 for 5 in his time with the O's for a cool .400 average.

Rick Ankiel, just keeps hitting. He is 6 for 16 since being called up the other day, and has hit 3 dingers and a double, while driving in 6 and scoring 5. All that in just 4 games, three of which the Cards have won. It would be nice to see him become an everyday player in the bigs, and even nicer to see him help the Red Birds win the NL central, thus keeping the Brew Crew and Cubs out.

Lastly, the Skins didn't look wretched in their first preseason contest. I'm not saying they're going to be contenders or anything, but 9-7 isn't out of the question if everyone stays healthy. In the NFC that's plenty.

You Don't Eat at a Tittie Bar

DoucheMan Jones appeared on ESPN's First Take show yesterday morning and had some interesting things to say. The first was some kind of crazy, distorted view of his arrest record where he tried to say that he's only been arrested twice, not 6 times. Whatever, the paperwork doesn't lie. I think the funniest thing Pacman said came in response to a question Dan Jacobson asked about his visit to a strip club the night before his meeting with the Commissioner. He said the reason he went to the club was just to get something to eat, and that "there wasn't even no girls in there." Firstly, wow! You West Virginia alums have got to be so proud of the education your students are getting.

Secondly, if there is a strip club operating in NYC with no girls in it, then I promise you this: there are dudes in there taking their clothes off. I didn't know Pacman like to gobble up cock. Maybe that's why he gets in to so much trouble, because he's trying to hide his gay lifestyle. A strip club where no one's taking off their clothes is called a closed strip club. And they won't open the doors for anyone but the mob goons who use it as their "office."

Lastly, and most importantly is this: No one eats at a tittie bar. It's one of the rules, and I should know. I've been to scores of clubs (no pun intended) in multiple different states and I have come up with a few handy rules. A few examples are: *You don't get a lap dance from the New Girl or the really skinny girls *no matter what they say, they don't think you're "kinda cute." *She didn't really like you, and above all else *You don't eat at a strip club!

Moreover, you don't eat at a strip club in New York. There are literally thousands of great places to eat in that city, and a whole lot of them are open very late. Leave it up to this dumbass to miss out on great food so he can have a rubbery steak while he makes it rain.

I'm Sorry, What??

The Steelers have a mascot. Usually, they don't do this kind of thing, but for some reason they thought it wise to have one now. So, they recently unveiled Steely McBeam.

My problem with this exists on many levels. The first, and most obvious one being that his name is Steely McBeam. This is Pittsburgh. His name, without question, should be Steely Beamanowski. Seriously. Am I the only one familiar with the demographic in that town?

Second, this is a sports franchise with an item that identifies it. The Terrible Towel. So, why not make Terrible Towelie? Slap some arms and legs on a giant yellow towel, and you're ready to get high (If you don't get this reference, I can't help you). I should really be a sports marketing exec, because you know they would sell a shitload of figurines and stuffed "Terrible Towelies." Who wants Steely merch? No one, that's who.

Lastly, and no, I don't mean to disparage Steely. But, the overalls, the stubble, the construction-worker-esque outfit. Face it, Pittsburgh, he's gay. Hopefully he has the Dallas Cowboy and Chief Wahoo on speed-dial so they can meet the Cop and the Leatherman at the Anvil to get their groove on. YMCA!!

Welcome Back Rick!

Any good baseball fan remembers who was the best rookie pitcher in 2000. He was 11-7 with a 3.50 ERA and an amazing 194 k's in just 175 innings. Then he started game one of the NLDS against the Braves. Rick Ankiel threw 5 wild pitches in one inning, and went on to throw 4 more in the NLCS as the Red Birds fell to the Mets. He went from those great regular season numbers to a 1-1 record in the postseason with a 15.75 ERA, posting 11 walks in 4 innings of work. Rick "Wild Thing" Ankiel was born.

Again in '01 he couldn't find the plate, and no amount of memorizing bra and pantie descriptions from the Victoria's secret catalog would help. He went back to the minors and worked on it, and made it back to the bigs in '04, but again he wasn't effective. So he changed careers...kind of.

Rick went from one time can't miss pitcher (along with the O's Matt Riley who was another 20 year old can't miss lefty in the minors in '99, who missed) to trying to make it as an outfielder. This year in the minors Rick lead all AAA players in HR (32) and posted 89 RBI in just 102 games. So the Cardinals decided to give him a shot in the bigs, and that shot comes tonight. Rick will bat second and play RF in St. Louis in their game against San Diego (Which is German for a wale's vagina) Rick will be sporting #49, rather then the #66 he wore in all those games as a pitcher. I wish him all the best of luck. If there's any justice in the world he'll hit a dinger tonight.

Bye Bye Boomer!!

This has probably been at least two years in the making but it looks like David "Boomer" Wells is finally going to be out of baseball. ESPN reports that the Padres have met with him and given him the option to retire respectably or be placed on waivers. Wells of course is not reachable for comment but lets explore why he is in this situation. First of all he's lost his last four starts and helped the Cardinals tie a major league record with 10 straight hits.

I've never really cared for Wells as a player even when he was with the O's. As a sideshow he is highly entertaining with the gout and the bar fight and all. I've never been impressed with him and can't stand to see his fat ass hanging out of his uniform. He looks like he belongs in the Wild Hogs movie more so than a Major League baseball game. Anyway, with all that said Good Bye Boomer I'm sure you'll make news making an ass out of yourself after your playing career....now if we could only get the other has been Boomer to retire.......

Nothing Important Happened in Baseball Yesterday

You may have heard rumors that something of great importance happened just before midnight Eastern last night, but you were mistaken. I know ESPN kept breaking in to tell us it was coming, but as fate would have it nothing of any real importance transpired.

Thankfully, now that this non-important day has passed we can begin to focus on real sports that the majority of Americans support, or at least can take a few seconds to focus on. Sadly the City of San Fransisco had built up such a large dependence on anticipation that they may need rehab. Although, I'm sure there's a lab in the Bay Area that may be able to synthesize anticipation to make all the San Fran residents better at it.

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See what the good folks over at With Leather have to say about the Home Run milestone story!

Atta Boy Josh

In 1999 Inky and I spent our summer working for the Bowie Baysox who are the AA affiliate of the Orioles. We had more than a few guys on that team who made it to the show (Augie Ojeda, Ryan Kohlmeier, Eugene Kingsale, Brain Falkenborg, Ivanon Coffie, Carlos Casimiro, Luis Matos, Matt Riley and Jason Werth) but three of my favorites were Rick Short, who finally made the bigs a few years ago with the Nats, and Howie Clark and Josh Towers.

Clark and Towers are teammates once again in the Big Leagues with the Blue Jays. You may remember a flap a few weeks back over weather it was bush league for A-Rod to yell 'ha' as he ran past Clark while he was trying to catch a pop up. Howie dropped the ball, thinking the short stop was calling him off, and A-Rod had pictures of him taken with a blonde bimbo at his hotel. It wasn't a banner weekend for either of them. Oh, and by the way, it was bush.

Well the Jays showed how they felt about it when they threw behind Rod Muncher last night, and tonight Howie got some backup "code" style from his old Baysox teammate. Towers plunked A-Cock and caused both benches to empty. Towers, who makes as much in a season as A-Rod does a paycheck, was just sticking up for a guy that he's been playing with of and on over the last decade plus. That's good baseball. Roger Clemens, who had a good game for a change, did his part by plunking Alex Rios and he and Joe got to hit the showers early. Long live the Code.

"This is a Stick Up, Give Me 31 Million Dollars or I Won't Play For Your Shitty Team"

Well here we are almost a week into training camp and as we see every year now there are still unsigned first round draft picks "holding out". One can only wonder what JaMarcus Russell is thinking sitting on his ass in Alabama while the abysmal Raiders train for another losing season. He is asking for 31 million guaranteed plus escalators and other things not to mention the number of endorsements he'll likely get or already has. You have to wonder who is advising these guys on their career. Obviously it's not someone who has their best interest at heart. Brady Quinn finally signed today after his hold out and it seems the hold out was over a mere half million dollars. I' mean come on that's like welfare money in the NFL I'm sure he could've worked something out sooner.

One GM has suggested that the Raiders start reducing Russel's offer a million dollars of guaranteed money for each week he sits out until he signs. I'd love to see an NFL team take a stance like that but you know it will never happen. Al Davis had a reason for drafting this young man and I'm sure that in the end the Raiders will concede and fork over a truck load of cash. The worst thing is Russell very likely won't even be the opening day starter and probably won't start for awhile this season if Daunte Culpepper pans out. That means he'll be playing guard, center, tackle (all of us ex football players should get that one) making more than probably all of his team mates.

I realize this happens in all sports these days, my own Baltimore Orioles are not exempt from this having not signed or be close to signing their first round pick from this years draft. It would be nice to see a team or a whole league take a firm stance on this because as a fan I get tired of hearing/reading about it and when it's my team stressing about how it will affect their performance. The only thing Raiders fans have going for them is Russell will eventually sign because he knows if he doesn't he will be drafted on day 2 next year if at all. I think Bo Jackson was the last one to hold out a whole season but he had baseball to fall back on although who saw that whole degenerative hip thing coming?? I think JaMarcus "I want mines" Russell will be my stiff of the week for this week and every week until he signs a contract.

Put Us Out Of Our Misery

John Lannan, pitcher for the Washington Nationals, I have a favor to ask. Just groove Barry Bonds a meatball right over the inside part of the plate. Let him jerk the fucking thing into McCovey Cove and let's end this madness tonight.

I can't take another day of listening to the blathering on and on about Barry Bonds. When will it happen, what's the significance, what does Hank Aaron think, why did Bud Selig have his mouth gaping open like a fish when he hit 755? I have a question. . . DOES ANYONE FUCKING CARE ANYMORE???

We all know it's going to happen, we all think he cheats, we all wish he were a better guy. But, guess what? He's not. He's a douchebag of the highest order. So, let him have his glory, and then let his old ass shrivel up and die. The sooner this ends, the sooner we can all go back to our normal lives. They can go back to broadcasting games with teams who aren't abysmal bottom dwellers. This classic battle-of-who-could-care-less is only on ESPN2 because of this fat fuck.

So, Lannan, I don't know who you are, and the only people who care about your career are your parents, so let's just do this, okay? One down the middle and then finish the game. And, hey, at least you'll always be a trivia question response. Who knows? Someday, someone on Jeopardy could say Who is John Lannan. Who indeed.

All Wrapped Up

Now that Tom Glavine has won his 300th career game, I think we're done with milestones of any importance this baseball season. (check the sign the chick behind the dugout is holding... was Big Wayne there?) Glavine may be the last pitcher for a decade to win 300, and in my mind I think he will be the last to do so in a generation. He is a sure fire hall of famer, with or without 300 wins. Just take one look at his stats, and it's easy to see that he has been consistantly great throughout his career. He owns a 60.4% winning percentage and a lifetime ERA of 3.49, which is almost three quarters of a run lower than the league's ERA in the same span as his career.

The dream secinaro would have him, Maddox and Smoltz, who are all about the same age, retire in the same year. This would make them eligible to go into the hall together which would be fantastic. I think Maddox can finish out '07 and then make it all the way through '08 and '09. But, for Smoltz and Glavine that may be a tall order. Either way, anyone who tries to make the argument that all or one of these guys are not destined for the Hall on the first ballot, is fucking crazy.

In the end, however, Glavine reaching 300 was the last big milestone of the baseball year. I can't think of another milesone that matters on the horizon. Way to go Tom.

Stud of the Week: Mark Teixeira

There was a time when I would have given Mark Teixeira a Stiff of the Week nod each and every week just for having a name that is pronounced nothing like the way it's spelled. How do you get TE-sher-Ah from T E I X E I RA? Fucking Portuguese! Anyway, this week I think Tex is worthy of a Stud award not only for his torrid start with the Bravos, but also for the very fact that he's not hitting all those dingers with Boston or the Yanks.

In his first 4 games since joining Atlanta he has 5 hits in 19 At Bats, but four of them are for extra bases (1 2B, 3 HR) and has driven in 7 runs while scoring 5. He has also made it possible for the Braves to think about letting Andruw Jones go this off season. Jones is in his 12th season (but he's only 31) and will be near 400 HR's next year so for a team to be in a situation to let that go they have to feel comfortable. Of course my hope is that Tex plays out the last year of his deal in Atlanta in '08 and then comes home to Baltimore in '09. But that's just a pipe dream.

Ben Graham: Ball Kicker

NFL Training camps are under way, and just in time. The O's will start losing in big chunks any day now if they hold true to the August's of years past. It's almost as if they want to turn things over the Ravens and Redskins, and I'm OK with that now. August also means the start of Fantasy Football, which like millions of American men and women, I take very seriously. I have one league title and the best winning percentage in the playoffs in the 7 year history of my main league. The Home Depot presents Your Mom is looking good for this year as I have three strong keepers (S. Alexander, D. Brees, L. Fitzgerald). Plus I have my eyes on a few quality players to pick up in our draft.

One guy I won't be picking is Ben Graham, the punter for the J-E-T-S: Jets, Jets, Jets. And it's not for lack of interest, just for lack of a punter on most Roto teams. Growing up as a Skins fan in Central Jersey I didn't get to watch a lot of Skins games on TV, and there was no way I was watching Big Blue. So I watched Ken O'Brien, Al Toon, Mark Gastineau and the Jets, where Graham now plays. And for the last 3 year's I've been following Aussie Rules Footy very closely and the team I have picked to support is the Geelong Cats, who Graham used to play for.

While active in Aussie Rules Graham played over 200 games and collected some impressive totals (985 marks, 2693 disposals, 145 goals and 113 behinds.) He had his best goal kicking year in his last year before coming to the US to play our football. And he just keeps kicking here in the NFL posting some good numbers for the Jets as well. (32 games, 146 punts with 44 inside the 20 good for 30.1%, only 3.4 yards per return and no Fair Catches)

Since I can't have a punter on my team this year, I'm going to appoint Ben Graham as Head Coach of The Home Depot presents Your Mom. I think he will enjoy this honor as much as finals appearances in the AFL, Playoffs in the NFL and being a captain of both the Jets and the Cats. The only thing I could think of that would be better then being the coach of my Fantasy football team is being on Sesame St. and he's already done that: (Left to right: Ben Graham, L. Coles C. Pennington, Mangenius and some red sock.)

Stiff of the Week: Three Way Tie

As has been well documented, XL and I made a trip to Cooperstown to see Cal Ripken Jr and Tony Gwynn join 53 other living HOF'ers on stage. It was a pretty special day for XL and I, as well as for the other 75,000 people who were there, Ripken and Gwynn included. So I was amazed to find out that it was business as usual for those in charge at the Hall. Oh sure, they stepped up the number of buses they were using, and made more commemorative bats (2007 rather than 1000) but they didn't pull out any other stops.

When the situation called for bigger and more impressive displays of baseball history, they stood pat. When the opportunity to wow people with how great the Hall really is presented it self, they did the same old, same old. When the golden opportunity to draw some of those 75k back for another visit fell in their lap, they just did the same thing that they did for Bruce Sutter last year and that they will do for Goose Gossage next year.

Were was the big reception of all the O's Hall of Famers? I would have paid extra to sit for an hour and listen to Brooks, Frank, Diamond Jim, Eddie, and The Earl of Baltimore sit and talk about the good old days of The Oriole Way. Were was the rebroadcast of great O's games, or even the highlights of the previous nights win over the hated Yankers on the video board while we sat in that field for 7 hours? Hell, they could have just played Field of Dreams and it would have been better then what they did show. And most importantly where were the lights at the "Red Carpet" arrival of the players on Saturday night.

That one event was the biggest let down for everyone in attendance. XL and I staked out our spot at 5:30 a full two hours before it got under way. Once it began we were board with a brass band, lame trivia and a few performances of Casey at the Bat, with a lot of down time between each. Add to that the fact that there are 17 year olds with better sound systems in their Honda then the HOF had at the event and it was about as bad as it could be. We hung out till 9 to see the players arrive... I say see even though we could just barely. They set up two lame little lights that were about as strong as a flashlight, not that the players stood still long enough for anyone to see them even if there had been good ilumination.

So for all these reasons I name (from left to right around Cal in the above picture) Dale Petroskey, Jane Forbes Clark and Bud Selig the I&TSG Stiffs of the Week. The damn near ruined my good time, but as baseball has proved time and time again, it can weather the storm despite who's at the tiller.