What Happened to Playing Golf?

Why can't anyone just retire anymore? Brett Favre doesn't want to hang around Mississippi and fish, Chris Chelios doesn't want to sit around Canada and fish, and apparently Lance Armstrong doesn't want to bang celebrities and fish.

Surprise, surprise the Tour De France isn't exactly thrilled with the prospect of Lance's return. Despite the fact that most short-sighted sportscasters think it's brilliant, I agree with the Tour. We've had enough of Lance. As much as his commercials make me laugh, and I enjoyed his run at the Tour, it is time to let someone else have a turn. As someone who actually knows who other cyclists are, let me be the first to say, thanks but no thanks.

Doesn't McConaughey have a project you can get in on? Isn't there a marathon, triathlon or hog calling event you can go to? I mean, Lance, we love you, but move on. Seriously. Let someone else have a turn in the sandbox. And, I'm sure all this anti-doping stuff you want to do is totally awesome, but there are still going to be people who think you are guilty. Face it. If Greg LeMond is convinced, other people are going to be too.

So, call up Sheryl or Kate or Mary-Kate (Ashley? I can't remember which one) and see what they are up to. Hell, there has to be someone available to make a sex tape with you. And, Diddy is always looking to hang out with cool white guys. Lance, I think you're up.

Evans Falls Short

The champagne has been drunk, the Tour is finished, and again this year, Cadel Evans stands on the podium. Just not in the spot we all thought he would be. For the second year in a row, the Aussie rider came in second place, this time behind Spain's Carlos Sastre.

This year's favorite had his chance to take back the yellow jersey in a late tour time trial. But, instead, he faltered. Much has been made of Evans' lack of ability to handle pressure. Maybe all that is true. But, in the grueling three week race, anything can happen. This year was marred again by drugs scandals, right up to the last day when a Kazak rider was discovered right after the trip down the Champs-Elysees. (Damn Borat!!)

Still, it was a good ride, and the cycling world has a lot to be positive about, and I don't mean drug tests. For America, there is Christian Vandevelde, a promising young rider who in years to come could be our next Lance. Back in Oz, Stuart O'Grady was a member of Sastre's team and got to take part in the glory of riding to Paris with the winner.

So, the Tour ends for another year. Another year for Cadel Evans to think about what went wrong, and how good it felt to wear the yellow jersey in stages 10-14.

Who knows? Maybe next year will be his year. Or maybe not. I know I'll be watching to find out.

Stud of the Week Cadel Evans

Is there anything the Aussies can't do? Well if cycling was on that list, it isn't now. Aussie rider Cadel Evans recovered from a crash on Sunday which literally tore part of his pants off to take the overall lead in the Tour de Freedom. Inky tells me that just donning the Yellow Jersey once in your career is a big deal, let alone having a chance to win the whole thing, which Evans does. Good on ya Cadel! I'm happy for you, even if you did cry like a little girl when they gave you the yellow blouse and the stuffed lions. Oh, sick burn!

Oh, Cousin Floyd!

In the interest of full disclosure, Floyd Landis is not actually my cousin. This was a name we gave him years and years ago, before he was anyone, as my unmarried name is Landis. There is no evidence that he is related to my clan. My family didn't raise a bunch of cheats. I've never needed synthetic testosterone. I get mine the old fashioned way. (wink wink)

But, I have to say, Floyd has disappointed me. I wanted to believe him so much when all the shit with the Tour de France went down. I wanted to believe it was all sabotage, but that is terribly unlikely. So, I'll just have to accept the fact that my (non) cousin is a damned cheater, just like many before him. Cycling is a great sport, and it is a shame that this kind of thing keeps people from watching. Because it is awesome, and yes, it is something you could never do. No matter how many times you took your banana seat down to the malt shop.

So, check out the Tour when it starts in a few days. The favorite this year? Cadel Evans, a fine Aussie looking for the country's first win. Good luck to him, and all others who ride clean. I know Phil Liggett and I will be watching. You should too.