Oh, Cousin Floyd!

In the interest of full disclosure, Floyd Landis is not actually my cousin. This was a name we gave him years and years ago, before he was anyone, as my unmarried name is Landis. There is no evidence that he is related to my clan. My family didn't raise a bunch of cheats. I've never needed synthetic testosterone. I get mine the old fashioned way. (wink wink)

But, I have to say, Floyd has disappointed me. I wanted to believe him so much when all the shit with the Tour de France went down. I wanted to believe it was all sabotage, but that is terribly unlikely. So, I'll just have to accept the fact that my (non) cousin is a damned cheater, just like many before him. Cycling is a great sport, and it is a shame that this kind of thing keeps people from watching. Because it is awesome, and yes, it is something you could never do. No matter how many times you took your banana seat down to the malt shop.

So, check out the Tour when it starts in a few days. The favorite this year? Cadel Evans, a fine Aussie looking for the country's first win. Good luck to him, and all others who ride clean. I know Phil Liggett and I will be watching. You should too.

He Just Couldn't Take it!

The fallout from Georgia's loss to Fresno State just keeps piling up. After the humiliating defeat -which if you watch ESPN, you know was the equivalent of a 14 or 15 seed winning it all, a fact they wouldn't stop talking about- the University has taken another shot on the chin. Long beloved mascot Uga, was so distraught about the loss that he decided that he was going to end it all. Thought published reports say that Uga VI died due to congestive heart failure, we know better. Sources say that he was so lost over the baseball teams inability to beet the bulldogs from the west, that he knocked over owner Sonny Seiler's trash and ate some chocolate to do himself in.

Uga VI lead a tough life, as he was never able to step out of the shadow of his much more famous father and grandfather. Uga V, was in the Movie "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" and Uga IV attended the Heisman presentation when Herschel Walker won in 1982.

Uga VI will be burryed in a shoebox, in the back yard of a Georgia booster, rather then outside the stadium as custom normaly would dictate. The change of interment arangements is due to the shamfull way that he took his own life.

New Sport: Ghosting

With XL coming to Y-town this weekend, I think it may be time for us to compete in a new sport that's sweeping the nation. Something tells me that Inky will be the best at this game, but sadly, I also know that there's a good chance that one of us might get our ass beet.

On Tap: Weiters Weekend

Never let it be said that we don't go the full mile to cover sports here at Inky and the Sports guys. This weekend the team is coming together (we really think it's special when we all come at the same time) so we can cover some sports live. The Orioles top prospect, Matt Weiters, got his call up from Frederick to Bowie last night, and so we are heading down to Prince Georges Stadium to see him in person. We would have seen him in Frederick, but Harry Grove stadium is a shit hole, in addition to being a funny euphemism for a vagina, so we passed.

Weiters should be in the bigs as the O's starting catcher next year, and to that end he's been living up to all the hype in the minors. At Frederick he hit .345 with 15 Homers and 40 RBI in 69 games. (huh huh huh, I typed 69) He walked 44 times while striking out 47 in his 229 at bats. Now all he needs to do is hit in the .310 to .320 range at Bowie, and still hit for power and we'll know he's more Mark Teixeira than Jason Werth.

Check back on Sundy for a full report on the game.

Australian Football, American Revolution

It’s nice to see that someone has stepped up and made a documentary about the US National footy team, and their quest to go to the MCG and win the International Cup. Footy is a game that can capture the interest of anyone, not just ex-pat Aussies and those who grew up seeing it on ESPN. There are guys all over the US who play on teams in their towns, from Baltimore and Philly to Milwaukee and Denver. The best of these players will get together to make up the American Revolution, a team that will travel to Melbourne to try and win a tournament featuring guys from all around the world. I say: Go the Revo’s!

For more info: http://www.usfooty.com/usfooty/

Hey Sk8er Boi, How My Ass Taste?

http://view.break.com/525981 - Watch more free videos

We here at Inky and the Sports guys have been handing out the "Stiff of the Week" award for years, dating back to the radio show we did in college. I've decided to take it in a new direction, and will award a stiff of the week award when warranted, but will also hand out the "How My Ass Taste" award to those who just got their shit punked. This kid is the first winner. I'll think of this every time I see a bunch of douche nozzles skateboarding and not landing any tricks.

What If???

I'm sure by now we've all seen the clip of Shaq "free style rapping" at some party asking "Kobe how my ass taste?". Shaq being the grown up that he is was "just having some fun" with the fact that Kobe couldn't win a championship without him on the team. Shaq after all was able to win another one in Miami without Kobe. Now if anyone knows about ass and how it taste it's Kobe lets be real but what if other stars acted this way.

Imagine Michael Jordan reacting this way to Scottie Pippen's failure to lead the Bulls to anything relevant after his first retirement. I'm pretty sure Jordan has never "free style rapped" in his life but it would've probably been pretty funny. Steve Young could do a Mormon chant about how Elvis Grbac was never able to lead the 9'ers after he left. Hell Tiger Woods could record a jazz song about every other golfer. You just don't see it though. Kobe and Shaq had a long history of ups and downs and just when you thought they might "remain boys" Shaq ask him how his ass taste. Oh well, I guess Kobe gets the last laugh because Shaq lost his "badge" at the Maricopa county sheriff's department. I hear he also is going to have to eat a green bologna sandwich and wear pink underwear for a week as punishment....

It's All About The Hair??

The Orioles surprisingly good season has continued into the weekend with a sweep of the Astros and the chance to take a series from the Milwaukee (Algonquin for the good land) Brewers. Previous to that they concluded a 5-1 home stand that included the sweep of the Astros as well as a winning series against the butt Pirates. If you ask Kevin Millar why the team has been playing so well of late he'll tell you it's because he died his hair mostly blond.

We all laugh at superstitious baseball players who believe changing things like hair or the way they get dressed makes them better. I also realize that Millar is kidding but it's funny that he suggested that the rest of the team follow his lead and get the blond high lights too. One of the features of a MASN broadcast is a behind the scenes with one of the players. They've highlighted Freddie Bynum and Matt Albers among others. What is funny to me though is the majority of our bull pen are good ol' boys. Jamie Walker and Jim Johnson in particular so you can imagine what they'd say to dying their hair. My bet is they'll pull a line from Brad Paisley's newest song entitled I'm still a guy. The line goes "I don't highlight my hair, I've still got a pair yeah honey I'm still a guy."

So I don't think we'll be seeing a bunch of Oriole players with blond hair, after all Adam Jones and Freddie Bynum would probably end up looking like Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man. As I type the game is 4- 3 Brewers with Olson on the mound. The O's haven't won a game on Sunday in over two months so maybe this Sunday is the one we'll get back in the win column (as said by Joe Angel).

Trying to avoid getting pregnant? Try Carl Yastrezmski.

Things really have changed since I took health class in high school. We learned about condoms, the pill, the rhythm method, pulling out (not kidding) and abstinence. We did not learn how to use an 18 time Boston Redsox All Star left fielder to prevent pregnancy. But alas, I keep seeing commercials advertising how you can use Carl Yastrezemski, or Yaz, to avoid getting knocked up.

Who knew? I knew he was the last guy to hit for the triple crown, back in the impossible dream team year of '67. I knew that he stepped right in to replace Ted Williams and as such made for one of the best tandem of players at one position, but I didn't know that, when taken daily, Carl Yastrzemski could prevent pregnancy, help clear up acne, and give you a shorter and lighter period.

Now that's a hall of famer!

260?

A buddy and I went to the ballpark last night to watch a little independent baseball, and I got to see some old familiar faces. As an O's fan there are a lot of our former players in the Atlantic League, like Keith Reed, Jay Gibbons, Eric DuBose, Ivanon Coffie and Val Majewski. Hell, even Long Island's Pete Rose Jr. was an O's farm hand way back in the day.

Last night I got to watch two former O's prospects who were supposed to have been regulars in Baltimore years ago. Pitching for the Rev's was Aaron Rakers and DHing for the Bluefish was none other than Calvin Pickering. Pick was the main reason the O's let Rafael Palmeiro go after the '98 season, with the Birds thinking he was on the way to anchor 1B at Camden Yards for years to come. That was a big mistake, as Palmeiro went on to post numbers of .283 214 HR and 608 RBI in his next five years in Texas, while Pickering just got bigger. Real big, like: have to be cut out of your house or wash yourself with a rag on a stick big.

As he strode to the plate at Sovereign Bank Stadium last night I did a triple take on the program, which lists him at 6'5" 260. Trust me, I know from fat, I am fat and Calvin Pickering hasn't been 260 since the 8th grade. I am 6'1" 270 and I could live comfortably in a pair of Pick's pants. He is every bit of four bills if he's an ounce. This guy's jersey number could be in the 4 digits without wrapping around to the sides. "Now batting, the DH, Number 1163: Calvin Pickering.

Not that Pick's tremendous weight is stopping him from putting up numbers. In 50 games in the Atlantic League he is hitting .266 with 6 dingers, 29 RBI, a 190 Systolic and a 100 Diastolic!

(Thanks to Atlantic League Baseball News for the photo)

Someone should tell the Yankees to XYZ

The Baltimore Sun's web site is reporting that the Yankees have been walking around for the last 6 weeks with their cock hanging out of their pants. Wow! That's a shock, I would have had my money on the Red Sox.

The other explanation is that the Yankees didn't hit their tee shot past the red tees and they became subject to the time honored "cock out" rule of golf. It's like the USGA says: what makes golf special is that we enforce the rules ourselves.

Stiff of the Week: D.J Trahan, Many others

XL did a stiff of the week about what someone in sports wasn't wearing, now I'm going to do one about what people shouldn't be wearing. Let's get one thing straight first, I can't stand people or teams in sports who always win. Boston, The Yankees, Florida Basketball and Tiger Woods bore the hell out of me. I don't hate Tiger because of who he is, I hate the fact that he always wins.

Saying that, let me point out even I think it is stupid to see how many of the guys chasing him have the balls to wear red on Sunday. That's Tiger's thing: wearing red on Sunday and huge teeth. It's what Tiger does, so don't be a douche and go out and get caps to have huge teeth, and don't wear a red shirt on Sunday to look cool. Because unless D.J. Trahan and Robert Karlsson were going to win the damn thing all they ended up accomplishing was to look like a lame ass, small toothed dumbass.

Stiff of the Week

I'm gonna make this short and sweet, my stiff of the week this week (other than Inky for pointing out my spelling flaws) is the Pittsburgh Pirates organization. They haven't been to Baltimore since the embarrassing 1979 World Series and they can't even participate in a turn back the clock game? The O's have been advertising this for weeks that they'd be wearing the 1979 throw backs so one would only expect to see Pittsburgh out there in those god awful gold uniforms with the funky black hat. But no, they played in their normal every day road jersey. Is this team to cheap to go out and get throw backs? I'm sure the fans of the Pirates (both of them) would've wanted to see the old jerseys and hats again. Oh well, at least the O's won that game, I think they're wearing the 83 throw backs in a couple of weeks, we can only hope the team they play will participate. Otherwise they will face the wrath of XL and the bold distinction of Stiff of the Week!

Stud of the Week, Bitches

Since XL has called us out, I thought I better post, before we have to start beefing. I was innocently flipping through the channels the other day, and came across Braves Vs. Phillies. I didn't care about the game, but what I heard behind the voice of Harry Callis caught my attention. Batters often walk out to the plate to music. On this day, Jeff Francoeur, a guy I've never heard of (plays right field for Atlanta) was walking to the batters box to one of my favorite tunes.

It was "Business Time" by the brilliantly funny New Zealanders Flight of the Conchords. So, good on ya, Jeff. You are my stud of the week. (If you've never heard it, run to their myspace page and listen. You will not be sorry.)

Where Have All The Bloggers Gone??

Hard to believe it's been over a week since any of us have been here. You'd think the world of sports had stopped or something. Lets recap whats happened lately:

• Big Brown choked
• Lakers/Celtics blah blah blah
• O's are actually having a winning road trip
• Detroit won the Cup

So on the first topic, Big Brown choked, does anyone really honestly give a fuck? I mean who the hell watches horse racing unless there is a triple crown possibility. Also, what kind of dumb ass trainer talks smack before a race and then blames the jockey when the horse loses? No one but rich mint julep drinking mother fuckers and career gamblers thats who. We'll all be excited to buy some kick ass Elmer's glue in a few years made from Big Brown himself.

Next topic, Lakers/Celtics, I hope everyone realizes that Magic and Byrd are not ever coming back. This isn't the 80's or the 70's and the NBA is pretty much a joke of a league with a bunch of ball hawking millionaires. I could care less who wins as I don't like either city but I guess I hate Boston more so go Kobe.

The only topic that matters, the O's are winning on the road against quality teams. After taking two of three from both the Twins (I love the Twins) and the Blue Jays the O's took game one tonight from the Red Sox. The Red Sox had only lost 6 games at home going into tonight and Beckett was on the mound so it's a good come from behind victory. Unlikely heroes like Freddie Bynum and Aubrey Huff contributed to another short Beckett outing as well as getting to the Japanese guy that no one else can hit in the pen.

Lastly the Red Wings won the cup. Big frigging surprise but at least Pittsburgh showed some life. I guess Schlack was wrong again, maybe he can predict something ridiculous for the Flyers next season. I think right now he's on a Philly's kick so God help that team....

That's all for now, hopefully Greazy or Inky will pick up the slack so you don't have to deal with my random thoughts for awhile....

Really?

With all my travel over the weekend, I was unable to listen to or watch my Cats. You'll remember that Inky and I were witness to their first loss in the better part of a year last week. With that the Footy media was abuzz with the idea that the Cats were done. What they didn't know, was that there was no chance the Cats were going to beet the Pies on that Friday night at the G, because Inky and I were there.

That Cats found their claws again against Carlton this weekend, winning by a final of 19.19 (133) to 12.5 (77). Doesn't it just figure that they would find their form a week after I saw them taken apart easier than a kids jigsaw puzzle. They could hardly get the ball into their offensive 50 a week ago, but when I'm not there to watch they have 38 scoring shots. Carlton only had one point in the third term for crying out loud! And that was one that Geelong conceded on a rushed behind.

Add to Geelong's victory the fact that the #3 Bulldogs took out the previously unbeaten Hawks and that puts the Cats back with in a sniff of the top of the ladder. They are tied with Hawthorn, but in second on percentage. All of this is just fine, but couldn't they win the one and only game I will probably ever get to see them play in person?