Hey Parents - Heads Up.

A modest proposal by Greazy Tony:

I love baseball. I don't like kids. That can be a bit of a problem if you want to watch a game live at a stadium. People have this nasty habit of bringing their stupid offspring with them to places that they don't rightly belong. I'm speaking of places like: Rated R movies, Nice Restaurants, and The expensive seats at a ball park. Of course I'm also a curmudgeonly old man who doesn't like much so I may be overreacting.

In the end, however, parents are always looking for ways to keep their kids safe. I would suggest that a Rated R movie is no place for a little'un because it may make them violent or potty mouthed. The expensive restaurant only teaches them poor fiscal planning (since spending $18 on an entree for a kid is just plain wasteful, and they rarely have lunchables) and stifles their creativity (since they don't get crayons to draw on the place mat.) Theses are not dangers that could kill little Tommy or Susie. (Oh wait it's 2007, those names should be updated to Hunter and Montana used interchangeably for boys and girls.)

What can kill a child, or a 35 year old man, is a line drive off the bat of a pro baseball player. Sadly, Mike Coolbaugh was killed on Sunday by a ball off the bat of his team's catcher. Coolbaugh, who was a ball player him self until becoming a coach, just didn't have time to protect himself and was struck in the head, falling to the ground instantly. He was a third baseman, so he knew a bit about quick reaction time and hard hit balls. You know the old disclaimer - don't try this at home - well at the ball park it should just be: don't try this.

And so it is for the safety of the children, not because I can't stand to listen to them or have them kick my seat at a game, that I ask you to not sit with your kids in the good seats. Leave them to me, and others like me. If we get hit with a screaming line drive it is because we put ourselves there, and besides, some of us bring gloves to the game. There are plenty of seats in the upper deck and in the bleachers for those of you with offspring to guard over.