John Lannan, pitcher for the Washington Nationals, I have a favor to ask. Just groove Barry Bonds a meatball right over the inside part of the plate. Let him jerk the fucking thing into McCovey Cove and let's end this madness tonight.
I can't take another day of listening to the blathering on and on about Barry Bonds. When will it happen, what's the significance, what does Hank Aaron think, why did Bud Selig have his mouth gaping open like a fish when he hit 755? I have a question. . . DOES ANYONE FUCKING CARE ANYMORE???
We all know it's going to happen, we all think he cheats, we all wish he were a better guy. But, guess what? He's not. He's a douchebag of the highest order. So, let him have his glory, and then let his old ass shrivel up and die. The sooner this ends, the sooner we can all go back to our normal lives. They can go back to broadcasting games with teams who aren't abysmal bottom dwellers. This classic battle-of-who-could-care-less is only on ESPN2 because of this fat fuck.
So, Lannan, I don't know who you are, and the only people who care about your career are your parents, so let's just do this, okay? One down the middle and then finish the game. And, hey, at least you'll always be a trivia question response. Who knows? Someday, someone on Jeopardy could say Who is John Lannan. Who indeed.
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